Tuesday, May 25, 2010

The Interview

HGL: Hi, I am here for the home-educator interview. My name is Happy-Go-Lucky. I have one year of part-time experience looking after under 5's. I am able to look after your son five days a week, although on Tuesdays and Fridays I am not available until after 10AM. Why, you ask? I go to physiotherapy twice a week for an hour. I had a nasty fall a few weeks back and my lower back is not yet quite what it is supposed to be. Aaw, is this three year old Jason? What a cutie, I know we will get along great.

FFH: Hi, I am here for the home-educator interview. My name is Fresh-From-High school. I am new to babysitting and therefore unavailable on Tuesday and Friday mornings, as I do my Early Childhood Education training on those mornings. But other than that I am available five days a week and I am really looking forward to caring for your son. Is this three year old Jason? What a cutie, I am sure we will get along just great.

Me: Hi, I am here for the home-educator interview. My name is Gracefully Insane. I have four years of part-time as well as full-time babysitting experience with under 5's. I am available five days a week, although on Tuesdays and Fridays I am not available until after 10AM. Why, you ask? I see a private psychotherapist twice a week for an hour. Oh, you would like to have a think about this? Of course, shall I ring you tomorrow to have a chat? Ok, of course I can wait until your call. Thanks for taking the time to meet with me.

Of these three fictional characters, I am the one least likely to get this job, which always poses a moral dilemma for me. Do I tell them why I am unavailable? Do I lie? Do I say "physiotherapy" and later on, when they have been able to see how great a nanny I am, I tell them I see a psychotherapist and that they must have misunderstood me to think I am seeing a physiotherapist. Am I deliberately vague and say I see a health practitioner those mornings but I would prefer not to go into detail?

Apparently you can be a great nanny or babysitter while also being diabetic, or having only one arm, or speaking close to no English at all. Yet having any form of mental health concerns almost always excludes me from the game. The parents whose kids I have looked after will tell you I was great. They will recount stories of me taking their kids to the beach, to the park, doing arts projects with them, as well as practicing manners and self-sufficiency. They will tell you how much their kids loved me and how sad our goodbyes were. They would be able to show you numerous drawings and paintings bearing testament to me once having been an important part of these kids' lives. But to get these jobs I have always had to talk my way around my mental health issues. I have had to cover up my arms with long sleeves for at least the first six weeks of any new nanny job and I have had to make up stories or be deliberately vague about the hours spent at Jay's office every week.

Because no matter how politically correct we think we are and no matter how accepting we are of those with mental health issues, we would still rather they stick to their own kind, especially when it concerns our children. I am not debating the fact we should be careful about who we allow to be in charge of our kids, but it seems that seeing a shrink or having scars on my arms that are quite clearly the result of self-inflicted cuts automatically makes me an unfit babysitter. After people find out I am in therapy, it suddenly does not matter anymore that I have great teaching skills, or that I am caring, loving and consistent, or that I just have a real affinity for kids. Nor does my experience as a babysitter and after-school care nanny matter. After all, a person so deranged she injures herself deliberately (and clearly she has not been cured yet, seeing as she is still in treatment with a shrink, twice a week even!) cannot ever be a good caregiver or make sound judgments when it comes to providing quality care for babies and toddlers.

I had an interview last week with a family who is looking for care for their three year old son, five afternoons a week. So there were no issues about whether I can or cannot provide care during the morning hours when I see Jay. I was careful to wear a long-sleeved shirt and put on my happiest smile. Hopefully they will give me a chance to prove myself and if, along the way, they find out I see Jay, or their son comes home telling them about GI's "stripes" on her arm, they will by then have judged me to be a competent babysitter and it will not be as important. Because really, there is so much more to me than just being a borderliner, if only I am given half a chance.

Thank you for reading.

Yours truly,

GI

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Today I cried

[...]I'm not crying
It's just been raining, on my face
And if you think you see some tear tracks down my cheeks
Please. Please, don't tell my mates
I'm not crying
No, I'm not crying
And if I am crying
It's not because of you [...]

"I'm not crying" by Flight Of The Conchords

Today felt like a significant day. After more than three years with Jay (and probably well over 200 sessions), I cried with him for the first time. I have struggled so hard to keep myself from losing it. To keep myself from falling apart. Yet today the little girl inside me curled up in the waiting room, with her Pooh Bear clutched close to her chest, barricading herself in the corner with two chairs, refusing to get up and enter the therapy room.

And I cried.

And cried.

And Jay bore with me.

He sat down on the remaining chair and respectfully allowed me my space by not looking directly at me and staying well away from my line of vision. We talked and we were quiet, and as the tears subsided I could feel myself slowly being reformed. I had dreaded this moment for months, years even, for fear of falling apart and not being put back together.

It is hard to explain the disintegration I so dread. A feeling unlike any other. As if someone picked up an eraser and started to slowly wipe me out of existence. They start at my feet, disconnecting me from the world around me. I can feel myself floating and I know that I have to stop them from erasing me entirely, for if I am erased completely I will never be able to come back. I will not be able to reform and people will never be able to connect to me again. From the time they have erased my feet, the anxiety mounts and starts to rapidly rise to an unmanageable level. I have to keep them from erasing me fully, thus panic starts setting in. I have to stop them, I need to stop them. I frantically search for my razorblades, my fingers trembling as I try to unwrap a fresh blade. I press it into my skin and drag the blade across. And only then, when I feel the sharp, stabbing pain and see the red crimson bubble up from my newly made incision, can I feel myself being put back together. I can feel my feet on the ground, I notice my surroundings, and the panic slowly subsides with every new cut.

For this reason I only ever cry when I am by myself (so I can self-harm to ground myself) or when my partner is home (so he can ground me). I do not allow other people to see me cry because I'm scared I won't be able to put myself back together in time. My partner knows how to contain me, knows when to let me throw things around the room, when to let me hit him, when to let me bang my head against the wall. And he also knows exactly when to hug me, when to wrap his arms around me so I can't move, how long to hold me for before he lets go, in short, how to put me back together.

Neither of these two options can be used when I'm with Jay. He obviously won't let me hurt myself and professional boundaries prevent him from holding me and hugging me. This is what I feared most. That if I would start to fall apart during a session, I would disappear, for Jay wouldn't be able to glue the pieces back together in time for me to leave in one piece.

And yet today, this is exactly what seems to have happened.

While I was waiting in his waiting room (and at times like these I count myself lucky Jay has a private practice at his house, so there is no-one else but me sitting there) I could feel myself starting to fall apart. I could feel the tears in my eyes, could feel my pulse rise and my breathing quicken. I tried hard to push back the tears, but today my body would not listen. I tried to hold my breath and tense every muscle in my body to keep the tears in, but today my tried and tested method failed me.

As the tears started falling, I could feel myself grow smaller. In wanting to protect the little me, I slid off my chair, onto the floor. Dragged the heater across from me, and barricaded myself behind two chairs and one coffee table, safely shielded from view, where my quiet sobs would neither be ridiculed, nor punished. And when Jay walked in to get me for my session, he just sat down and was gentle with the little girl sobbing on the floor and "held" her as much as he could, from one chair away.

Today, I cried.

Thank you for reading.

Yours truly,

GI